According to etiquette expert Emily Post, “The Chinese sage, Confucius, could not tolerate the suggestion that virtue is in itself enough without politeness, for he viewed them as inseparable and saw courtesies as coming from the heart, maintaining that when they are practised with all the heart, a moral elevation ensues.” (Post, Emily, Etiquette. Post, Emily, 1873-1960, Rick Niles, “Costello and Abbott”, 1922, 2.)
This seems like a good place to start. Politeness, etiquette, manners, virtue, courtesies… they are not just words. What about the Golden Rule, Karma, cause and effect? The best of life comes from sharing and generating an epidemic of positive energy. Taking part in this epidemic calls for a revival in social grace.
Summer holidays are a time for social and family reunions, weddings, and travel. They are a time where your social grace is on exhibit. Do you feel your social grace represents you well? Do you feel satisfied with the response you’re getting to your exhibit? Are you pleased with the cause and effect?
If you answered no to any of the above questions, here are some tips to improve your social grace at at any kind of holiday gathering with friends or with family. These tips also work well for any kind of business event:
1. Keep in mind, every event has two kinds of people … hosts and guests. Hosts make the introductions and make people feel comfortable. Guests need attention and maintenance. At your next event, be more of a host and less of a guest. Start with a scan of the room. If you see someone you know, greet him or her. If they don’t introduce you, introduce yourself. Say something like:
“I don’t believe we’ve met before, I’m Sara”
or
“I’m sorry, I think we’ve met before but I’m rotten with names, what’s your name again?”
or
We discussed our favorite recipes, I’m Sara, please remind me of you name.
People love that you recognize them. If you need a topic for initiating a conversation, ask “how do you know the host?”
2. Are you a rock piler? This is when people huddle together in a tight circle because it feels safer. Resist the urge to do this! Excuse yourself – yes, always, excuse yourself – say something like “I need to say hello to…” or simply “excuse me”.
If you know someone else, head his or her way and start over.
If you don’t, get another drink (remember, no good guest becomes intoxicated) and while in line, start small talk other people in line. Maybe begin by introducing yourself, say, “Great party, have we met? My name is Sara.” Good manners suggest that when holding a drink, hold it in your left hand, keep your right hand free for a handshake.
If there’s food, get a bite or two, and make small talk with others at the table. Maybe announce “great food!” On the other hand, if the food is bad, compliment the tablecloth. Find something nice to say! Not only is the nice thing to do, you never know who might be listening.
When eating, take very small bites in order to clear out of your mouth quickly.
If you don’t feel like drinking or eating, fine. Simply ease to the edge of a group that doesn’t appear to be having a private conversation. If they look questioningly your way, say something like, “Hi, I’m doing my best to be sociable and meet new people, I’m Sara.”
.. Don’t group hop or act as though your in scanner mode. Look people in the eye, listen politely, act interested and excuse yourself when you decide to move on.
Good manners suggest a social gathering is not the place to do business, even if it is a business-related social gathering. If you encounter someone who could benefit your business, schedule an appointment.
3. Dress appropriately. When in doubt, dress better.
4. Avoid boxing – squaring your shoulders front and center in front of one person. It’s okay with one on one conversation but excludes others from joining in. Be open for others to join in your conversation.
5. Put your coat and bag down. Holding onto to your coat says you just arrived, you are about to leave or you need a shield. While women can be forgiven for keeping a purse with them, men can’t.
6. Set a good example of social grace. Consider mentoring a younger family member or a friend. Try to introduce people to something you enjoy (perhaps a good book or movie, maybe a favorite hiking trail) at every social event.
7. Don’t forget to get mentored… make it a goal yourself to learn at least three new things at every social event. When learning, tilt your head (without going overboard) and look like the great listener you are!
8. Be a good host while you’re someone else’s guest. Say hi to the wallflowers. Be gracious to everyone. Make introductions too. Introduce a junior person to a senior person. When making introductions, include a positive snippet about both people… for example:
“Mandy I’d like to introduce you to Sue, she’s an engineer who also loves to design costumes. Sue, this is my friend Mandy whom I told you about from my investment club.”
9. Managing the party host. When interacting with the host, ask simple upbeat yes/no questions and don’t monopolize them… they are hosting the party after all.
10. Always, always, always: Thank the host before you leave.
Enjoy!
Sources:
Rowland, Dianna. “Networking 201” http://www:sfwa.org/2009/07/networking-201-how-to-“work-a-room”. Retrieved 12/06/2010.
Chiang, Larry. “10 tips for founders en route to the power-party circuit” from http://www.bspcn.com/207/06/30/how-to-work-the-room. Retrieved 12/06/2010.
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